Living in a Nightmare

Ever feel like you were having the best dream of your life and just didn’t want to wake up? Those are just great, you go back to bed every night trying to remember them and are able to live them for a bit.

Have you ever had a nightmare and couldn’t wait to wake up? Imagine living that nightmare and no matter how much you try you just can’t wake up from it. You try everything you can to change the reality of it all. You are always told when you are facing nightmares you can control your dreams, but you can’t always do that in real life. There are some things you can control but the bad luck or whatever it is that seems to plague some of us are uncontrollable. You start to wonder what it is you did in life to deserve all the crap being dished your way. I always thought I was a good person but when I look at my life right now I can’t help but begin to doubt that. Since you can’t just control it you have to wait until your reality finally lets you move on.

That’s how my life has felt for the last few months. If something is bound to happen that isn’t good it’ll happen to me. Every time I turn around something else is getting thrown my way. No matter what, when I think I see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel someone blows it out and I’m left in the dark. I can’t help but wonder if this is some type of joke someone is playing on me, or if this is some really long nightmare that I just can’t wake up from. Either way it sucks and I’m exhausted from it. I wish to wake up in the morning and be in a different place. I don’t want this to be my reality.

Currently we are still living in hotels and it looks like we will be doing that until after Christmas. That should be bad enough right? Well the military recently messed up our life even more when they FORGOT to buy my husband’s ticket, now we are trying to figure out what to do now that he isn’t going. Long story short it’ll hurt us even more now. It doesn’t just stop there though, the scooter/moped got stolen so we’ve been driving the hubby to work every morning and son to football practice, etc. I also have to worry about my kids and the doctors have informed me that two of them may have something wrong. I won’t know yet until next month when they go back to the doctors but what they say scares the crud out of me. I was supposed to see my sister and her baby next month, not sure if it’ll happen. I will be calling the dentist to cancel some needed dental work due to life. This is just the “small” stuff as some would say. But all that stuff is like someone throwing hard curve balls at me and so far I’ve been able to duck but I’m getting to the point I don’t care if they hit me. I want out of this nightmare!

I want to look around at my kids playing in their backyard and sitting at the kitchen table for a family meal. I want them to be smiling for real not because they don’t want to show me that they are unhappy. I don’t want them to have to worry about where we’ll be or if we’ll have a real house. These are all the things a mom is suppose to do for their kids but I can’t even do that. I want my kids to smile for real, I want them to be happy. I don’t want them to ever have to worry about this type of stuff. Ever feel like you’ve failed somewhere? That’s where I am at right now. The rug was pulled and I’m just sitting here staring at the ceiling and wondering what will come next.