The Empty Nest Syndrome Before Kids Graduate
Did you know you might experience the empty nest syndrome before your child graduates high school and moves away? According to Psychology Today “Empty Nest Syndrome refers to feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes.”
I believe this happens when your children hit milestones, especially entering kindergarten and it is your last one. I didn’t realize mothers (maybe even fathers) went through this before the high school years until recently. You always hear about those mothers that cry on their child’s first day of kindergarten, but if you have more than one child chances are you may never have experienced it. Don’t worry, if I’m correct, you will at some point.
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For me, I’m the mother of four children, three of which have gone to school and didn’t have this feeling for me….that was until a week ago. I had just finished college myself and started figuring out all the things I needed to prepare for the kids to start school, it was at that point that I got this weird feeling. A feeling I wasn’t quite sure what it was, it was excitement for sure, fear, dread, and something else. Why was I feeling this way though? I should be happy he will be going to school and learning new stuff and making friends. Plus I just graduated and should be proud because it was a huge achievement. I have put three kids in school before this and it never affected me. I cried over half a day on that Saturday, everything hit me at once, I had been pushing this feeling aside for over two weeks and then it hits you like a pile of bricks and there is no stopping the waterworks.
For me I hit two milestones in the same month:
1. I graduated college, which meant I would no longer be spending much of my time researching homework assignments and making deadlines.
2. My youngest (last-child) would be entering school, which meant he’d be leaving me.
Why am I blogging all this? I thought if I was going through this I couldn’t be the only one. I know other moms out there have cried because their baby was going to school. I believe other moms have probably felt lost as their role as a mother is changing/transitioning and they aren’t sure where to go next. Am I right?
The day I cried, I realized that I no longer knew where I fit in. Am I really needed like I was before? To me, I felt that I no longer had a reason to stay home and it looked bad if I did since I didn’t have a job. Plus I no longer know what role I have now. Before I took care of my son at home, we played together, read together, did worksheets, watched tv, and I did my homework. What would I do now?
For those of you that are out there experiencing this or that will here are a few things you can start thinking about:
- Volunteer at the school
- Volunteer with something you may have always wanted to do but couldn’t because you had a child at home with you.
- Sign up for college
- Learn something new, take a pottery class, cooking class, swimming, etc.
- Start crafting or make a garden
- Get a job or even a dream job
- Write a book
- Hang out with other moms, now may be your time to socially connect.
- Read those books from your book list you never got around to reading.
- Do what you have always wanted to do, but said you didn’t have the time to do it.
- Cry it out
Be sure to prepare yourself for that moment when you put your child on the bus, drop them off at the sitter or walk them to class. A good thing to have on hand is a picture of them (that you can look at throughout the day) and a box of Kleenex because you are going to need it. Don’t feel bad either because you know other mothers feel the same way you do. If you’ve already went through this, would you mind sharing any advice or words of wisdom you got or wish you had with the rest of us?
My kids are all pre school aged right now. My oldest is about to be five and I wonder how I will handle her first day of school. I am 30 years old and my mom still reminds me from time to time how on my first day of Kindergarten I turned to her and asked her when she was going to leave! I think I hurt her feelings, when I most likely meant to make her feel comfortable leaving me. My oldest is very strong and independent, so I know she will be okay next year in school. I think I will be okay when the kids start school (my boys are twins and will have each other) But I do not know how in the world I will be able to handle them all graduating pretty much at the same time (the boys are two years younger than my daughter) I will have to remember this list when the time comes! Congrats on all of your kids graduating, that is a fun journey!
I completely related and all of my children are not even in school yet. I honestly think this is one of the biggest deciding factors on having another child for us. I felt lonely and out of my normal routine when DD started pre-school. Now that E is here I am busy all the time and realize that my desire to have him was more from a selfish inner void I needed to fill. Now I love my children and hope to have a big family (yes, bigger than it is now) one day. I just hope that I am reminded that it should be when the time is right and not from my need next time.
I agree with this. I think you can even feel these feelings at other times, I know I do. Like you, I just graduated college (after 14 years!) and thought, now what? What do I aim for, what to achieve? Our kids are in middle school, the youngest in 3rd grade, and the oldest married with children of her own. I feel less needed. It’s hard.
Great suggestions. My 2nd (and last) starts next year. I am already SAD. Isn’t that crazy? I should be happy it will make things easier with working/sitters. But part of me is still heartbroken. I am hoping I can still go into the school and volunteer,, etc. Great post.
I went through this with my first one, every year, not just kindergarten, he is 15 now and I am pushing online college, pathetic I know. My youngest is 2 (I only have the two), we never thought we would have him. I worked for a while and after two long years of crying everyday going to work, we decided I needed to stay home. I waited so long for him with so many loses in between, I didn’t want to miss another moment. I dread kindergarten. My neighbor is the kindergarten teacher at the school he is going to attend, she tells me she already assumes I will be the big class volunteer.
When my LO goes off to kindergarten, that’s going to be a really tough day for me! But when she heads off to college, even harder!
My kids are all grown and one their own, however, my youngest son came to work with us and has been here off and on for 5 years, while having a residence in Utah as well. But recently has had a hankering to go a different direction and go back to Utah and start his own business. I even had his son, my grandson during the summer months, well I have to say, I have been going thorough empty nest syndrome again. Boy what a feeling of emptiness and (sad, I keep getting that lump uh and tears) mind you hes 38 but that does not matter, so I empathize with anyone that goes through these withdrawals.
Hugs to you all!
Karren
My daughter starts Kindergarten next month! I’m excited, nervous, and sad all at the same time. I’m sure she will do just fine and probably be in a better condition than me on that day. I just can not believe how fast she is growing up.
I have an only child, so when he started Kindergarten, I was seriously sad. And the start of each school year leaves me feeling sad for a bit. He starts 4th grade this year and we are thinking about homeschooling him through middle school (and I’m selfishly happy about this). I really love having my son around me. I need my “me” time from time to time, but I truly enjoy having him here.
I just finished with my undergraduate degree in psychology and have no children currently. Empty Nest Syndrome is something that has always intrigued me. I was the youngest child for my mother and father, both of whom had older children from previous marriages. Neither parent ever explicitly had Empty Nest Syndrome, but then again my parents have been divorced since I was five years old. I’m sure that they both felt it at the different milestones in my life, but I also wonder what effect that divorce has on parents and Empty Nest Syndrome. Sorry to get all research-y on the matter (Psychology major in college), but I think that there could be some sort of interesting results there. To all the parents who are reaching the next milestone that will cause you to miss your children, I offer my hugs because I know one day I will be at that moment in life too!
well my kids are grown and been out a while now..wish i knew wht to do then! lol..thank you for the article i will share!
I was searching the web for a picture of a mom crying as I am writing to a friend about dropping my son off on his first/last day as a high-school student. I stumbled upon this site – I thought how serendipidous is this?
My baby is going to graduate this year – and I feel as I did when he started first grade. It’s all about change – and change can be very difficult especially when love and loss are two main components. I felt the same way about my oldest when he graduated high school – but this time its the end of an era – my relationships with the school district – volunteering – homework nights – school activities – plays – sports – concerts – fundraising.
It’s time for me to move on too – not sure where my new journey will lead me.
I have twins who have started their senior year. This will be a “double whammy.” Full house to empty house in one fell swoop. I’m excited for them to go to college, but our lives will change so much. I’m really worried about my husband because he is such an invoved father. What will he do? How will he react? The nostalgia has already begun for me…just too busy with work and volunteering to indulge in the tears right now.
My son has left to join the military. I am from a military family.
Even when he was in school and 5 years old coming home crying because someone hurt his feelings (this hurt me as well) Seeing all that they go through in their early years. I don’t think anything prepares you for this. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I’m happy he’s doing what he wants to do and he’s not lazing on the couch doing nothing. I am proud of him. But it hurts and I’m crying while typing this. Them leaving home hurts the worst I think. Treasure your kids because before you know it they move out.