Anger Envelops Her

I wrote this post yesterday and wasn’t going to post it but I think I need to do it, just so I can later look back and remember.

There are only some points in my life that I actually get on my blog and just rant about my feelings and this is going to be one of them once again. Do you remember earlier this year where I told everyone that life really likes to throw wrenches at you? Well I’ve learned that isn’t the truth, the truth really is that you can change whatever it is you want to change. I thought earlier this year I was able to change everything in my life, things got better and everything seemed honky dorey (sp). Well I was wrong, the truth was everything got swept under that carpet and stayed there just out of sight.

For a while now I felt tension and I could tell that things weren’t right but I blamed other things. Life was too calm, my weight might be an issue and yes the house was a mess. But all those things can be changed, so that wasn’t it. What was it? Today I found out the one thing that could ever turn me completely around and throw me for a loop was staring me square in the face. I know this probably makes no sense but when you’ve vowed never to deal with something again because there is only one option you don’t exactly what to know that it is back. Right?

Issues rose about the way I cleaned the house, course when I did clean I got to hear, “Wow, a first in 13 years,” or something equally as bad. I gave up on the house when I started getting ignored or when he started hanging or leaving the house. Plus why should it always be me doing it. I have four kids, yes it is hard to keep a house but yes I’m a lazy housewife too. I also got tired of hearing that I was a nag every time he would spend money when bills needed to be paid. How many women like to hear: Nag, nag, nag? I don’t think a single one would. I was told I don’t ever want to hang out with him, course when we did actually get the son to watch the others and went to a bar there was no hand holding, standing by one another, etc. Instead he smoked outside, played one round of pool with me and hung out at the bar chatting with others. That wasn’t what I had hoped for. I know he isn’t a sentimental/romantic but I am and do like it from time to time. Those are just a few things, there are more but not going into everything. I won’t lie I nag about money, I want things paid first. I had a coffee habit too but oh well that is gone now too.

It is back, that big issue between us and now I must decide exactly what it is I’m willing to do. For an entire year I lived in hell of worrying and uncertainty. I won’t live like that again. I went to places I never thought I would, I daydreamed about things that I shouldn’t and now it all comes back to hit me square in the face. I know now that avoided it or just saying something is dealt with (granted I thought it was) doesn’t work. Decisions must be made, whether I’m ready for them or not.

One thing I know for sure is this:

I want to go back to a point where I was only happy, not worrying about things like I do. I know my own work will need to come first, the work I do online but also within myself. I need to totally focus on me and getting my weight back down for myself. Back to where it’ll make me smile when I look into a mirror and to when I knew someone would be glad to hold my hand and walk through a park, zoo, amusement park or even just down the street with me. I refuse to go back to last year, absolutely will not have it. I want to live as a family, happy and together but I don’t want to worry about having to wonder ever again.